Hello, you random gang of miscreants. It’s your good friend Dr. Throatpunch here, The Smelly Mitten’s resident traffic columnist. Not familiar with my work? Your loss, jerk. Seriously, over the course of two articles, I have basically solved every road and car related problem known to man, except for how to look cool in a Zipcar. You’re on your own there, hippies.
Anyway, as Winter is now upon us, I thought I would provide a public service and share with you a selfie I took of myself and recently posted to my Instagram account of me outside making snow angels without my shirt on. Just kidding, though that would totally be a public service, am I right? (Flexes non-existent pectoral muscles.) Also a great way to catch pneumonia, I suppose.
Actually, in reality, my public service is to supply you with 5 driving tips that will keep you safe out there on the road this Winter, that is until you cut me off and I chase you down and beat you with the pool cue I keep in the back of my Cutlass Supreme for just such an occasion.
Let’s get to it…
1. Lines on a road or in a parking lot no longer apply if covered in snow.
It’s true what they say, “If you don’t see something, it no longer exists.” That’s why, as a staunch Republican, I never look a poor person in the eyes. But did you know this axiom also applies to lines on the road or those markers that designate where you’re supposed to put your car in a parking lot?
Can’t see where the lane divider might be due to the road being covered in snow or ice? Go ahead and straddle where the dashed line might be and turn two lanes into one. Want to park sideways across three parking spaces outside JC Penney? As long as you can’t see the yellow or white lines telling you where to park, you totally should!
2. Have an SUV? Punch the gas on that shit!
Sure, the roads are a little slippery but, hey, Dr. Throatpunch, what if I own a sport utility vehicle?
In that case, what f***ing snow, am I right? I mean, you’re literally invincible in those things and you should probably act as such. Hell, you should probably go even faster than you would if the roads were completely dry on a nice summer day.
If, by some crazy freak accident, you somehow end up sliding into a ditch, try not to be too offended by the people who you passed five minutes ago at 90 MPH laughing at you and giving you the finger as they drive by. They’re just jealous of you and your awesome SUV that gets six miles to the gallon.
3. Driver ahead of you going slow? You should probably tailgate them.
Did you know that ice and snow is slippery and that it might reduce the friction between the tires of your car and the road, which is key to making sure your automobile stops in time and doesn’t ram into the driver in front of you when you apply your brakes?
Were you also aware that some people suggest that, due to this fact, you should probably keep a larger distance between your car and the one in front of you than you would if the roads weren’t slippery?
I mean, frankly, someone who would tell you such a thing is an idiot. Tailgating is essential to letting the driver in front of you know that they should increase the velocity of their automobile to a speed with which they’re not comfortable so you can get home in time to watch the latest episode of “Mob Wives.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times…
The only person that matters on the road is you. Everyone else can go F themselves.
If, by some crazy freak accident, you do end up rear-ending someone in front of you, just tell them that you were trying to tell them “good job driving like an old biddy” by applying to their car what I refer to as “the vehicular butt slap,” you know, like football players do, only you’re using a 2,000 pound piece of mechanized death.
4. Put a bag of salt in your trunk to add weight and/or garnish poorly salted fast food french fries.
In slippery conditions, to keep your car from sliding around on the road, it is advisable to add as much weight to the back of your car as you possibly can. How does one do this? Sure, one can idle outside the World Headquarters of the Guinness Book of World Records waiting for the word’s fattest man to exit, upon which you offer him a ride to wherever he’s going (probably not the gym), but the more preferable method is to put bags of salt behind your back seat or in your trunk.
This is also helpful for those times one gets the Super Sized Triple Cheeseburger Combo Meal at Mickey D’s and one of the employees under-salts your french fries. All you have to do is whip out the cheese grater you take with you everywhere (you’re really into cheese, apparently), pull a nice big rock of salt out of the bag in the back of your Astro van, and garnish to your heart’s content.
But Dr. Throatpunch, is the salt used for melting snow and ice safe to eat?
Actually, I’m not sure. You’ll simultaneously be eating a McDonald’s hamburger, though, so the fact that you might be ingesting some other type of chemical poison seems kind of relative, I reckon.
5. Pack a gun in your “emergency kit” in the event of roving bands of evil snowmen.
In addition to bags of salt, all motorists should have an emergency kit in the back of their cars. They should include things like kitty litter (to provide traction for your tires in case you get stuck), flashlights, road flares, and, naturally, a gun.
In these dangerous times, the possibility of you coming across a roving band of evil snowmen is ever present (see the above picture) and you may need to send Frosty back to Hell, as they say. The best way to do that, of course, is with a shotgun blast to his corncob pipe adorned face. Also, this is America and carrying around a gun is your birthright, that and developing severe health problems due to ingesting fast food french fries garnished with deicing salt.
Have a traffic related question for Dr. Throatpunch? Send your queries to firstname.lastname@example.org.